My lungs are still charred. Sucked a guys dick for 100 dollars last night. He was nice. He really enjoyed it and it made me feel good about myself. I want my mom to leave the house so I can be alone.
If you could fly to the other side of the world in twelve hours you could fly to the other side of the world in zero hours
I stayed up all night last night making music and smoking weed and making music and smoking weed and i just continued into the whole day doing the same thing and now it’s night again and i almost have an ep written and recorded. I just need one more song but I have to wait till the morning to record drums. I have so much energy. I just want to do everything before I feel bad. I’m happy i’m being productive but I also feel like I’m gonna die and my limbs hurt a lot and my lungs are fucked up and i guess this is mania?
I broke my bong. I got kicked out of my band. I only have three progesterone pills left and I won’t get more for seven days. I can never remember if I took my hormones already and I feel like I often take them twice.
“I want to lay with you”
“I want to play my guitar. I want to finish everything before I get sad again.”
“Fuck, I jinxed it.”
I said some stupid shit when I was younger. I bet I’ll read this in three years and realize just how stupid I am now.
I’ve been smoking poppers from a waterbottle bong with no water in it. Basically I’ve been smoking pieces of cigarette from a plastic pipe. My lungs are charred. I keep getting short of breath. Last night the worry was about blood clots and now the worry is about COPD. I still get kind of excited at the thought of being really sick. I think I like the attention. I think I want to be a victim of this world. I think I want a reason to give up. I freak out when I am actually sick.
I am actually sick.
I’ve been taking tests on BPD and Bipolar type 2 all night. Which one do I have? The doctors have speculated on both. One is definitely more stigmatized. I don’t want to have BPD. Not that I want Bipolar, but it feels like BPD is viewed by people as something less severe, something that isn’t real. Its the assholes disorder.