I stayed up all night last night making music and smoking weed and making music and smoking weed and i just continued into the whole day doing the same thing and now it’s night again and i almost have an ep written and recorded. I just need one more song but I have to wait till the morning to record drums. I have so much energy. I just want to do everything before I feel bad. I’m happy i’m being productive but I also feel like I’m gonna die and my limbs hurt a lot and my lungs are fucked up and i guess this is mania?

I’ve been smoking poppers from a waterbottle bong with no water in it. Basically I’ve been smoking pieces of cigarette from a plastic pipe. My lungs are charred. I keep getting short of breath. Last night the worry was about blood clots and now the worry is about COPD. I still get kind of excited at the thought of being really sick. I think I like the attention. I think I want to be a victim of this world. I think I want a reason to give up. I freak out when I am actually sick.

I am actually sick.

I’ve been taking tests on BPD and Bipolar type 2 all night. Which one do I have? The doctors have speculated on both. One is definitely more stigmatized. I don’t want to have BPD. Not that I want Bipolar, but it feels like BPD is viewed by people as something less severe, something that isn’t real. Its the assholes disorder.